“But there is forgiveness with You, that you may be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I do hope. My soul waits for the Lord.” – Psalm 130:4-6
I have never been a patient woman.
Seriously. Ask my mother. Patience is a virtue I was born without, and to be fair, it is one I got honest. The women in our family are not a patient lot, but we are learning.
Not too long ago I used to lie awake at night, constantly pleading with God. I was ensnared with sin, a specific sin, and it kept me awake at night. During church services I would feel unworthy to sit in His House, and the desire to run to the alter was sometimes overwhelming. It took years to overcome that sin. Years of prayer, restless nights, and too many tears to count. I felt the weight of my sin pressing down on my chest, and sometimes it was difficult to breath. Satan loved it, I’m sure. I was completely miserable, and I felt so far away from my Savior.
Today, I love Him all the more for putting me through that trial. During that time He taught me humility and patience. Through two incredibly wise sisters in Christ, I began to grow closer to my Father and learn what it is to really give Him your trial. I’d like to tell you the change happened quickly - an epiphany after wise words, and my struggle was no more.
It took time. A LOT of time. But during that transition, as I sought His will, He began to change my heart. I grew to understand sin, and the abhorance it truly is. I am still a sinner; of course I am. But I’m so much more now. I am the writer of Psalm 130. I am Isreal. I know what it’s like to wait on His redemption.
But it is so rewarding.
I wish I’d known what the author of Psalm 130 knew. I wish I knew I’d have to be patient; that The Lord’s timing is perfect, and my time table has no place in this tale. I wish I’d heard Laura Story’s sweet song, “Blessings” then, and understood this trial was ”a mercy in disguise.” But there are some things you must learn on your own, and The Lord is faithful. He took the aching in my soul and used it to draw me closer to Him, to seek and love Him more.
Psalm 130 echoes of my sorrow all those years ago. The plea and trust of someone so devastated with sin, clinging to The Lord’s promises. Knowing that “if You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?” (v.3), and the blessed relief of knowing He forgives. He loves. He is merciful. And sometimes, he makes us wait.